Advice From A Sick Girl: Saying “No”

A few weeks ago, I published this blog post, Advice From a Sick Girl: Saying “Yes”. I talked about how being sick made me fall in love with life and taught me to take opportunities as they come.

On the other side of that, being sick taught me how to say “no.”

Am I completely contradicting myself? You’ll have to tell me.

If you’re like most of us, you grew up under the notion that you had to go absolutely above and beyond to be successful.

Your school was probably plastered with sayings like “reach for the stars.” You were taught to believe you had to say “yes” to every little thing and always go above and beyond.

You were told that if you want to be liked and make friends, you have to say “yes,” every time someone asks you to hang out. To be successful in school, you have to agree to every extra credit opportunity that comes. At work, you better be available anytime you’re asked to cover someone’s shift or work extra. To be a good person, you have to go beyond your own limits and out of your way to put everyone else’s needs above your own.

All of these things were engraved deep within me too.

By the time my 15th birthday rolled around, I was fighting back against my own body and my list of symptoms was building by the day.

I couldn’t keep up with the pace of life anymore. I watched my grades drop and I was too sick to keep up with my friends.

Saying “yes” to everything was simply not possible anymore.

But for a stupid amount of time, I ignored my body’s new limits and kept pushing through, terrified to say “no” to anything.

I pretended I wasn’t sick and pushed through to keep up with the fast pace of life until I was in so much pain I had to stay in bed for days.

Then I would spiral into a state of anger and grief over my sick body. I would kick myself for not being able to keep up with everyone else. I got angry at my body and wonder why on Earth I got sick. I got jealous of my healthy friends and didn’t think it was possible to do the things I dreamed about. I thought I had to kiss my dreams goodbye.

I can tell you honestly that nothing good came out of this all-or-nothing mentality, but the cycle continued anyway.

I would give anything to go back in time to tell my high school self that this is so, so far from the truth.

I have been navigating this life through a sick body for 4 years now. Somewhere along the way, I learned to say “no.”

At first, it was because I had to. But each time I forced myself to say “no,” I realized that no one cared. Truly, in the best way possible, no one cared or even seemed to notice when I decided to listen to my body. No one yelled at me, told me I wasn’t trying hard enough, or stopped being friends with me on the spot.

Each time I sucked up my pride and said no to something, my irrational fears and anxiety over it started to disappear.

But that wasn’t even the best part. The more I allowed myself to rest and focus on my wants and needs, the more alive I felt. I was learning to ration the little energy I had, instead of throwing it all down on the table at once. I started to feel like myself again.

It wasn’t about saying “no.” It was about saying “yes” to the right things. The things that made me feel happy and free.

I was able to swim this day because I said “no” to going on a walk and rested instead. I walked down to the ocean and fully enjoyed the motion of the sea without being overtaken by pain.

When I stopped saying “yes” out of compliance every time someone asked me to hang out, I was able to be fully present and have fun when I was able to go out and see friends.

Without carrying a boatload of anxiety every time I said “no,” I was able to fully relax and rest, allowing me to recover quicker.

I was finally able to start climbing again once I fully accepted that it had to be at my own pace. I stopped forcing myself to carry the same intensity I used to climb at and for the first time in years, I finally loved climbing again and even made some of my best climbing friends.

I started hiking again when I shamelessly made it clear to myself and those around me that I would need an ample amount of time to rest before, during, and after.

I started saying “no” regularly throughout my day, and suddenly had energy left at night to dance and laugh with my friends.

The life inside me radiated to everyone around me. I used to believe that saying “no” to things would make me friendless. Turns out, I made some of my best friends after I learned to say “no.”

I was alive again. I had the energy to do the things I loved and even try new things. I suddenly loved the life I was living. When I stopped saying “yes” to every little thing, I was able to say “yes” to the right things. The things that scared me and the things that have led to some of my favorite memories.

I’m 18 now. I’m 4 years deep in chronic illness, and in a completely different stage of life and state of mind than when I was first diagnosed. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that it’s okay to say “no,” but for the most part, I have gotten really good at honoring my needs. I promise it has made my life so much fuller.

Engrave it in your brain now: you are allowed to say “no.”

You should never feel guilty about saying “no” to something that isn’t good for you, your own health, mental health, or overall life.

You can dream big and reach for your goals without pushing to your breaking point.

Stop spreading yourself too thin, just for a little while, and see how alive you feel. It might be scary at first but just try it.

See how much you’re able to flourish and do great things when you honor your wants and needs. See how much more you’re able to be there for your friends and family when you’re not trying to pour from an empty cup.

Sometimes (a lot of the time) you just have to say “no.” You have to say “no” so that you have room to say “yes.” Allow yourself the time and energy to be able to do the things you love.

This is your life. Do what you have to do to make it a life you love.